Something about turning 30 in April flipped a switch in my head that I should take my life more seriously. Lay off the bath salts, stop selling my body for White Castle Sliders and settle down in one place instead of riding the rails like an old timey hobo.
Ok, so perhaps my life was not that out of control. My life wasn't necessarily out of control at all, but there are aspects of my life I gotta improve and get in check.
My new motto for myself and everyone else (which has even more impact [and irony] when yelled at someone at 2 AM while drunk) is "Get your shit together!"
What kind of shit do I need to get together?
I think it all has to do with actually being the person that I envision and want to be. I know I can't be perfect, and I can't do it all. Trying to "do it all" and being perfect is always what leads to my breakdown into not doing anything, why bother, it's all stupid and I'm bad at things.
The primary issue is my health and how I should give a shit about it. Now that I got a job again and health insurance I have the means of seeing a professional to fix my body and shit. First step in this was to stop being frustrated by the uncomfortable acne on my back (primarily, occasionally it can get bad on my face, but that's been mostly under control since I started using Coral Actives, referred to me by Kizzy, which was the best thing to ever happen to my face). After a bunch of dermatologist visits and also getting something removed and having the scary waiting period of "I hope I don't have skin cancer," everything went fine and my skin is doing better. Yay for that.
Secondary issue, need to get my teeth fixed. I got 4 wisdom teeth that are cramping my style. Step one was I found a dentist that I like. Got an exam, cleaning, x-rays and the best advice ever: flossing is dumb. Hell yeah Mr. Dentist. He instead told me to get a water pik and powerwash those pearly bastards in my face. So I got a water pik and that is working out nicely and I feel fresh-from-the-dentist on a daily basis. Then, I go back soon to get some fillings n shit and I'll have a referral to his oral surgeon and see what's the what in my jaw with those teeth that don't exactly make me feel so wise.
Third issue, and most importantly, my mothafuckin weight. I can't win. I've really come to the fact that my depression seriously hinders any progress I try to make. It's hard to want to do something when you truly believe you're a failure and you might as well just go to bed. I joined Weight Watchers, I stopped going. I still pay for it so I can show up any time I want. I joined the gym, and I stopped going to see my trainer for group training sessions, which I pay for extra on top of the gym membership. So I'm still fat, gained back some weight and feel fucking guilty as shit about it. I can't even say I'm making progress with this. I'm trying? I went back to the gym for the first time today in a month. It was hard. It was so hard that afterwards I wanted to cry. Not because I was sweaty and out of breath, but just the emotional weight of it all, of if I can really do this. Why am I bothering with things. How long will this last?
My fourth issue of "get it together" is to be the person I want to be professionally. I try to do that every day. I think of how to be the most effective at my job, how to best lead others to do their jobs well and what I can do to leave my office with a feeling of accomplishment. I'm doing really well in this area, actually. Instead of just feeling burdened and buried by the volume of work I have, and the backlog of things that still need to get done, I came up with a plan of action of how to best tackle these things so that I can finish these tasks by a certain deadline, and also figure out a method of preventing a backlog from happening in the future. I've implemented this plan and I am MAKING STRIDES in the piles of things that need to get done! For me it is all about prioritizing, making a plan and following through. I feel so much better about my workload now.
The real thing that struck me is that I've tried to do too many things at once and then if one thing doesn't work out well, it all crashes upon me. If I apply the same plan that I use for my work towards the rest of my life, I might be OK. I also need to have a back-up plan in case I falter, and I need to be more forgiving of myself. I can't be perfect. I never realized I was an all-or-nothing perfectionist. But I gotta get my shit together because I can't let life pass me by any longer and feel sad about the life I don't have. I got to make the life I want better today.
Labels: depression, exercise, weight watchers, why is this me, work